She Likes To Be In Control

Thought Catalog

She wakes up an hour earlier now. Her alarm rings on and off for a few minutes before she finally gets up, showers, and ties her hair into a damp towel. Classes don’t start for a while and she’s not a morning person. She spends time sitting in front of her mirror trying to make herself look prettier – painting her face and blow-drying her hair. It takes effort, but it makes her feel better walking around campus, scurrying from class to class, meeting to meeting. She smiles. She waves. She small talks. She’s less self-conscious now, because she feels prettier. And if she feels prettier, she likes herself better. She can hide her flaws and imperfections. She can fix herself. She says it’s for her, but maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s because she’s tired. She sleeps for only a few hours every night. Worries and anxieties clutter in her…

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Keep Me Where The Light Is

Thought Catalog

I wonder if you’re up, waiting to be the first one to wish her a Happy Birthday.

I wonder if you ever stop her( when the two of you are walking down the street, or eating, or reading the paper, or doing any of those mundane things people do) just to tell her how pretty she is. How pretty she is to you.

Do you sing to her that song you love, late at night over the phone? Do you still take lullaby requests?

Have you woken up lately and felt life has never been so bright, so colourful, so good, so absolutely worth embracing – simply because today was the day you’d see her again.

When she’s making you breakfast, do you have to remind her that you like them sunny side up with no salt or pepper? Or is this one of those random preferences she shares with…

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On Bitterness of the Coward

That post yesterday sounds so stupid. As well as the things that I have told friends throughout the years.

Giving in to feelings, allowing vulnerability has been a big no for me. So I try to show that I don’t really care, look as invulnerable as possible. But when people grow up (I guess), we realize that hiding behind the tough mask to prevent being hurt or looking stupid, only leads to being hurt and looking stupid. And really, all that jadedness is so juvenile I could vomit.

And so I would want to just get it out that I will be vulnerable, do something that will expose my feelings, no fallback just pure emotion. I would probably regret it when I don’t get the response that I want but I know that it will eventually make sense, or hurt less. I’m so sick of hiding and I proclaim that I am not a coward. People will hurt you whether they want to or not but that does not give you license to hide behind that unfeeling image and miss out on the ride of life. So go out and shout out what you feel, once in a while.

I sound so sappy my younger self would have killed me already. But to you, my post-realization-feeling-tough-coward-self, live a little, maybe things could have been better for you if you realized this sooner.

And to you, my hours from now self please don’t regret it too much. I wish things worked out for you and I am going to stop now before I change my mind.

Regardless of the odds I will stop this bitterness now and stop being a coward.


It started as a childhood crush. Then a teenage accessory. Finally a college dream.

I have a lot of thoughts and reasons that this thing did not work but the fact the is that it just didn’t. Whatever spin I may put to it that fact would not change and the outcome cannot be changed.

There is just moving on and forgetting. Accepting that whether those feelings were real or not, they are pointless now. There is no place for them, wallowing in the dark reading romantic novels or conjuring scenarios that would end up with my pride intact would never get me far. Instead it would only plunge me deeper into that pit.

So I will be living for myself and my dreams which do not include you, nor do I think it ever did.

That Fairytale


For When You Think That No One Will Love You

Thought Catalog

You can never quite remember the actual moments when someone says that they love you for the first time. You wait for it so long, practice how you will respond, prevent yourself from saying it before them (you wouldn’t want to look desperate), and then it happens, and it’s like you go temporarily deaf. There is a ringing, like a TV show that has cut off to go to an emergency announcement. This is an emergency announcement. And you can’t even hear it. It’s almost like your brain doesn’t want to process these words, because then you’d have to acknowledge them, and not just in your imagination.

Besides, everyone who has ever said that to you before has left, so you might as well not even listen.

“I love you” will mean nights staying up watching someone sleep next to you, wondering why they haven’t left you already, wondering when…

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To neverland.

To neverland.